Promises, Promises.

Harper told a health policy conference: “During the last federal election campaign, I and my party made a clear and unequivocal commitment to Canadians.” And now the time has come to take that commitment and make it equivocal. Very equivocal. Canadian Press reports that the so-called “guarantees” – quotation marks: the official punctuation of sarcasm! – will cover only one service in each province, not the whole gamut of essential services as was promised. Also, the guarantees will not take effect until 2010, assuming the Tories are re-elected. And it is not clear how or if compliance with the guarantees will be assured. Plus, look over there – hey, is that a Sasquatch?! [Sound of footsteps running away. A door slams, an engine roars, and a car speeds off.] • Future news stories about Stephen Harper: OTTAWA (Apr. 22) – Stephen Harper has fulfilled another commitment on his list of promises, delivering on his pledge to get tough on crime – but only on one crime per province. “During the last federal election campaign, I and my party made a clear and unequivocal commitment to Canadians,” Harper said. “But that was a long time ago, and people forget things, so now I’m doing it this way instead.” Harper says he will get tough on homicide in Quebec and white-collar crime in Ontario, while in Newfoundland and Labrador he will crack down on perpetrators of unstylish middle parts, which isn’t really much of a problem and technically not even a crime but that’ll teach Danny Williams to screw with him. Under this new Get Tough on (Very Specific) Crime measure, an Ontario resident who is fatally shot shall be expected to drag his or her bleeding and expiring body into Quebec to ensure a more heinous punishment for the assailant. “Government can’t be expected to do it all,” Harper noted. • OTTAWA (May 4) – Stephen Harper has checked off another campaign promise by making good on his vow to create new child care spaces in Canada. “During the last federal election campaign, I and my party made a clear and unequivocal commitment to Canadians,” Harper said. “Which seemed like a good idea at the time.” The Prime Minister pledged 250,000 new spaces and announced yesterday that his government is now within 249,998 spaces of achieving its goal. He subsequently thanked the staff at 24 Sussex for watching his two kids for five hours while he and Laureen went to Arby’s. • OTTAWA (May 12) – Stephen Harper fulfilled yet another campaign promise yesterday by lowering the GST to 5% – for Mr. Duncan Twilliby of 332 Windward St., Moncton, N.B. The tax cut is expected to cost the government $85 to $90 a year, depending on whether Mr. Twilliby buys that new lawn mower. “During the last federal election campaign, I and my party made a clear and unequivocal commitment to Canadians,” Harper said. “But then I realized the media is so far up my ass that I can do it this way instead and still totally get credit.” Harper used a graph to illustrate how the economic benefits of the GST reduction would trickle down from Mr. Twilliby to his wife, Mrs. Duncan Twilliby, and eventually, over the course of many thousands of years, to one of their neighbours. The Prime Minister used another graph to illustrate how he is “totally reaming” the Liberals, and a third to rank his top five all-time favourite episodes of Full House. He then paused briefly with a dreamy look on his face before seductively whispering: “Oh, Stamos.” From http://forums.macleans.ca/advansis/?mod=for&act=dip&pid=42241&tid=42241&eid=13&so=1&ps=0&sb=1 For Scotts view on the Harper “War Room” see http://forums.macleans.ca/advansis/?mod=for&act=dip&tt=&pid=41859&tid=41859&eid=13&so=&ps=&sb=&tso=0&tps=0&tsb=0

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