Duceppe Resigns

'After further reflection' the BQ leader said 'I decided to beat them at their own disrespectful game and concluded the best course of action would be to ask my physician to prescribe me an anti-depressant. My intention was to direct an angry rebuttal to the magazine after I'd taken the medication for several weeks and proven them wrong. Initially, I felt no change in either my attitude or beliefs. However' Duceppe continued' after several weeks, I found myself thinking it was really rather silly to believe all Anglos were out to get me and destroy my culture and heritage. After all, the young Anglo lad who delivered my MP paycheque every couple of weeks seemed a pleasant enough chap and wished me no apparent harm. I then started to notice that I was scowling in almost every picture taken of me, and that the same seemed true for Bouchard, Parizeau and most other Quebecois nationalists I knew. I started to wonder why it was I spent long evenings in isolation penning angry denunciations of Canada while everyone else was out enjoying a movie, bowling or a simple stroll along the boulevard. What, I asked myself, had happened to me? After all, we live in a beautiful land and have much to be thankful for, so what was the problem? What did I have to be so upset about? I then found myself better appreciating the strong constitutional monarchy enjoyed by the Canadian people and the stable, safe environment this provides for Canadian citizens. How lucky we are, I thought, in comparison to so many other parts of the world. As for the 'Anglo menace' that had haunted my dreams for so many years, it occurred to me that given the Norman Conquest most Anglos shared a common, if lesser, French ancestry with their Quebecois brothers and sisters. How could a culture that had birthed the marvellous little fellow who voiced the delightful Shrek and Jim Carey, the wonderful rubber-faced heir to Jerry Lewis, threaten me in any way? Having come to these realizations, I was brought face to face with the inherent silliness of the separatist ideals I'd held as sacred for so many years. When I felt the first tear trickle down my face during the playing of 'Oh Canada' and the pride which flowed through me seeing our magnificent red maple leaf flag flying overhead before a recent Habs-Senators game, I knew the time had come to put my old life behind me and stride purposefully into the new life of 'proud Canadian' that beckoned me.' Duceppe ended his remarks with the statement 'Separation or Celexa, I know the choice I've made.' In response to media enquiries as to his future plans, Duceppe indicated 'Mostly, I just want to spend time being happy. I've been angry for far too long.' Duceppe said he had a busy schedule for the next few months, visiting London to accept an honorary knighthood from the Queen and being involved in activities with at the Orange lodge he'd recently joined, after which he planned to spend his time building bonds of fraternity throughout his beloved nation of Canada. In a related story, Ralph Klein told reporters that subsequent to a discussion with Mr. Duceppe, he also had begun taking anti-depressant medication and as a result, no longer beleived that the 'eastern bastards should be left to freeze in the dark'. 'I don't really know where those comments came from.' said Klein 'Maybe it was the booze. I'm just happy Gilles finally set me straight. And geez, if this stuff works for me, imagine what it will do for Harper.'