Sale Of Territories Causes Dissent - April 01 2005

The PM seemed momentarily confused when a member of the press pointed out that an 'auto-pact' arrangement with the U.S. has been in place since the sixties; however, he recovered quickly after RCMP officers removed the press member from the room. The PM went on to explain other aspects of the deal which offered new opportunities for Canada. 'We've agreed that the U.S. will assume all responsibility for Canadian defense to protect us from the foreign enemies which surround us and wish to harm my, I mean, our way of life,' the PM explained. 'This allows us to disband our own armed forces and save the $97,000 annual military budget that has burdened us for so many years. The U.S. will provide State Security forces who will control, I mean, protect key Canadian facilities, such as my residence, and will share chocolate bars packed with highly nutritious refined sugar with our Canadian youth. The savings we gain will be used to create a new Canadian organization, which I call the 'Companions,' to help third-world nations progress to near second-world status. The Canadian (now 'Can') Companions will assist local farmers in replacing their traditional crops with GM products manufactured in Canada that will, among other things, free them from the onerous necessity of 'saving seeds' each year and in doing so free them from the bondage of their backward ways to become ensnared dupes, I mean, equal partners in a civilized 'free trade' world. The Companions will also provide expertise in areas such as the development of franchise operations in third-world nations, modernized labour disorganization practices, and the creation of manufacturing operations to produce shoddy goods for resale at high mark-ups abroad.' The PM's comments were again briefly interupted by a press member's observation that the term 'Companion' eerily paralleled the title given to a television series race of aliens who visited Earth with promises of friendship and a sharing of knowledge which masked their true, and somewhat more malevolent, motives. After a brief interlude during which the RCMP removed all non-CanWest press representatives from the room, the PM continued to speak. He noted that the deal also included access to U.S. advanced voting technologies which President Bush had personally endorsed as being 'a-okay,' 'nifty,' and a 'real aid in giving voters what they really want,' A key term in the deal would, the PM offered, 'serve to substantially reduce the stress of those high-income Canadian families on whose shoulders the survival of our society rests by providing a readily available pool of Mexican domestic employees who under a new NAFTA section would be able to work for substantially less than Canadian minimum wages by reason of their being 'Foreign Residents Employed Entirely By Independent Employment Sources' (FREEBIES).' The PM concluded his comments by indicating that 'when viewed from the perspective of what Canada has gained in exchange for a few rocks, scraggly trees, disgruntled natives, Caribou and ridings that didn't vote Liberal anyway, anyone who doesn't think Canada got the better part of this deal is no friend of mine...if you get my drift.' In related news, heavily armed riot squads moved quickly to counter protesters intent on storming Parliament Hill. The protesters, 97-year-old Agnes Benighted, her poodle Roxy, and a street person calling himself Brad, had gathered near the Parliament Buildings to demonstrate their concern about the proposed deal. Mrs. Benighted explained to news sources that her husband Percy, a WW1 and WW2 veteran laid to rest in Yellowknife in 1973, would never have agreed to be buried in other than Canadian soil. Mrs. Benighted's protest was cut short when burly riot squad members seized the elderly rabble rouser - and her little dog, too - under a section of the Northern Patriot Act which allows for the detention of 'security threats' for an indefinite period of time. 'Brad' evaded capture by security forces by dint of his being engrossed in a search for empty returnable cans at the time Mrs. Benighted was detained. To calm a wave of angry dissension which swept through as many as 73 Canadians nationwide, the federal government quickly reached an agreement with the Tim Horton's chain of restaurants to offer half-price coffee and crullers between 9:00 and 11:30 AM Friday morning, quickly cutting short the anarchistic designs of the protesters who, instead, rushed to their local Timmy's to take advantage of the buy. Reacting to demands by the 164 members of the national NDP and the realization that his JetsGo ticket wasn't getting him anywhere, NDP leader Jack Layton cancelled his planned trip to Trinidad and Tobago vowing to fight the proposed deal until the end of time, or 4PM Friday afternoon...whichever came first. Leaders of the Green and CAP parties also promised to oppose the deal as soon as they gained seats in the House of Parliament. Treasury Board President Reg Alcock explained 'People just need to understand this change is for their betters, I mean, the better. Change can be difficult for anyone. Take me for example. When I came to Ottawa from Winnipeg, it took me awhile to get used to all the big buildings, electrical appliances and that cutlery stuff easterners eat with; but I adapted. Canada is getting bigger by being smaller, richer by being poorer, more free by being less free...you know, that sort of thing. In embracing big change, Canadians receive small change. You just have to know how to look at things.' A U.S. representative summed things up with this comment: 'Canadians always surprise you. Just when you think you finally understand just how dumb the poor bastards actually are...they manage to pull off something so totally boneheaded that it just leaves you gasping for breath. Must be that fluoride they stick in their water or something. What a bunch of simps' [Proofreader's note: this article was edited for spelling and typos on April 2, 2005]