Saving The Rare And Engangered American Liberal
Posted on Thursday, July 20 at 13:49 by drcaleb
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border, and leave them to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,"an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload withouta drop of drinking water. They did have a pleasant little Napa cabernet,though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing reeducation camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen
passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."
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He later denied having issued this order after one airliner was indeed shot down. He barely managed to cover it up by having fake cell phone recordings from the plane made up. On the tapes, the doomed Democrats can clearly be heard to say, 'They are diverting us to crash into a Dixie Chicks concert! We must slap them to death! Let's get assertively moving in an openly confrontational manner!'
Later, a plane did indeed crash into the Dixie Chicks concert. Press secretary Tony 'Let it' Snow revealed within minutes, however, that neglected luggage at the airport clearly pointed to a ultra-liberal satanic cult living in trees in Oregon who had determined that today was 'Sacrifice 3 cute liberal chicks' day.
Democrats were swiftly rounded up at the border and placed on trucks destined for work camps. Paul 'Wolfie' wits greeted them each with a pamphlet, which was entitled, 'Welcome to the rest of your War without End, Work will Set you Free!'
'We need to git them people some edu-ma-cation' President Bush was reported as saying. Each worker was also given a copy of his new book, 'How Jeezus and my Pet Goat Built the World For Dummies'.
Democrats were locked in isolated cells, hooded, and cattle-prodded by Anne Coultier, who complained about having to be paid for this work and demanded overtime.
Radio evangelist Pat Robertson declared that their souls were all damned to hell. His further statement '...so we may as well hang 'em' was later recanted.
The Pro-Israeli lobby demanded they all be asked how they feel about jews, and if at all negative, they should be shipped to Gaza for use as bulldozer barricades for Palestinian homes.
Dick Cheney called in later in the week to ask if any were available for shooting practice at his ranch, he had a fresh load of depleted uranium shells for his quail gun but needed to work on the sights.
All seemed lost, until Oprah came on tv and revealed that she had just read a book where it said that eating the rich was slimming. Millions of overweight American women revolted and began devouring the Republican party from their guchiis up. McDonalds, always a proud supporter but unable to resist all that juicy PROFIT, began selling Rush McLimburgers and Bush Brain-Freezer Flurries.
At the UN, Coffee A-man and the world demanded that the horrible women stop the rampaging gorging immediately, but Israel vetoed the sanction at the UN, saying that the women were showing a 'measured gorge' and besides, a lot of those Republicans were KKK and we all know how those guys feel about zionists.
At the 11th hour, the women were nearly defeated by Emerill, who ran at them and said 'BAM!' really loudly at them, telling them they were not using enough spice and ruining their cannabalism cuisine. Lidia Bastianich was flown in from Italy and counter-attacked by demonstrating a delicious recipe for him.
The war went international as a gay dope-smoking women's hockey team from Canada arrived for the final storming of the White House, where Dick and Donnie were hurriedly digging a bomb shelter to hide in while they called in friendly nuclear fire and planned re-emerging to forge their 1000 year Fourth Reich.
Hockey Night in Canada delivered a special 'only interupted by endless Molson Canadian commericals' live telecast, as the women roller-bladed down the hallways, removing heads with razor-edged hockey sticks and yelling at the paid-off American refs. Finally in the last seconds of the third, Haley Brickshithousemizer smacked Bush's decapitated head from the blue line and the world went wild. The victorious cannibal women piled the headless bodies on the lawn and toasted marshmallows until dawn, electing Oprah the very next day to Supreme Amazon of Womanica.
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"We are all in this together somehow, some more than others somehow"