War Can Be Fun - Not Just Profitable

Deep inside, we all love War. Some of the most successful movies in the history of filmmaking are War movies; the higher the content of blood, gore and violence, the more box-office success it enjoys. And we love to remember Wars and battles; look at all the memorials, the monuments, the annual celebrations and parades. Millions of lives have been lost because of Man's love of conflict, but that's no big deal: the earth's population is too great anyway. And besides, Man is the most renewable natural resource on this planet. What does bother me, however, is the senseless devastation of cities, towns, villages, forests, farmlands, etc. It takes a lot more than nine months to renew the resources needed to rebuild them. After years of reflection and research on the subject, a practical alternative to the dilemma of WAR has been found. Since it is a necessary evil, what we need to do is to use War to everyone's advantage. Properly done it can solve countless social, economic and political problems. First and foremost, War must be taken away from inhabited areas. A resolution must be passed by the international community to set aside areas designated as WAR ZONES on various continents, where War can be carried out without adverse effects on the rest of the planet. The most logical choice is the desert and where possible, close to the sea so as not to exclude the navy. These war zones would be the only places where conflicts could be settled. Violators would suffer immediate and total annihilation by an international peace keeping force. Of course there would be more conflicts than war zones, so sub zones would be set aside. The conflicting parties would book a sub zone and negotiate a time frame with the booking agency. Should the conflict not be resolved within the allotted time the adversaries would then have to move to the main War zone with the rest of the unresolved conflicts where the fighting is totally without ideology; just fighting for the sake of fighting: side A against side B. Surrounding the WAR ZONE would be a CONTROL ZONE. This heavily controlled area would practically eliminate the need for prisons; convicted criminals would be sent to the war zone. In a sense it would be the dumping ground for the undesirables of the world. With the proper marketing approach the war zones could become the playgrounds for the thrill seekers, the rich and crazy, and definitely for the warmongers. The travel brochures would outline the reasons for choosing one side or the other such as colour and style of uniforms, types of arms and equipment, quality of rations, days off, health plan, chances for advancement in the ranks and so on. Booking agencies, travel agencies, holiday and adventure tour groups and the transportation industry would all be involved as would advertising agencies who would thrive on cigarette and alcohol ads and billboards. Hockey and football have become much too passive and meek for the average fans of blood and gore. The alternative? A weekend, a week or up to thirty days in the War Zone as observers: including beer, popcorn and submarine sandwiches. Those who no longer get a rush from skiing, skydiving, white water rafting, or drugs, would book adventure tours to the War Zone, as combatants. And of course there would be designated areas in the control zone for the usual subsidiary War activities like pornography, prostitution, drugs, black market and spying: places where the most loathsome and iniquitous of human vileness can be freely expressed. The centre of the War Zone would be the perfect dumping ground for social parasites such as incorrigible juvenile delinquents and gang members, divorcees unable to reach a reasonable understanding, bureaucrats and other incompetents, lefties and progressives regardless of political colour, physical, emotional and sexual abusers and deviates would be sent to the front line. Industrial and other serious polluters, drug lords and drug pushers, murderers and assassins, rapists, psychiatrists, social engineers, creative accountants, stock and currency speculators and manipulators, scam artists, union leaders, bad doctors and most lawyers, corrupt politicians and tyrants, dictators and other despised national leaders would also be sent to the front line, unarmed. The solution is not to try to eliminate the ills afflicting humanity, an impossible and hopeless task, but rather to refocus them and use them to our advantage. Since War is such an integral part of our makeup it is important that proper use be made of it. Yesterday it meant threats, violence, and injustice. Tomorrow it will mean thrills, excitement, adventure and pleasant memories without memorials or monuments and finally, a real home for the scum of the earth. By L. Sebastian Anders 1993