Are All Axii Evil? A Handy-Dandy Guide To U.S. Foreign Policy

Q: It seems that the attacks and killings in Iraq are growing. What should a current-events buff make of it? A: Higher levels of violence indicate that the terrorists are growing weaker and more desperate. We should welcome news of larger slaughters as proof of progress and an indication that our troops will be home sooner. Q: Sooner than what? A: Sooner than soon. Just remember the good news is that 3,149 Iraqi civilians were killed in June, up from 2,669 in May. Washington Middle East experts are predicting 6,000 a month in the near future and 15,000 by Election Day. Q: Is Iraq near civil war? A: No. A civil war must be declared by both sides, and since Iraq has one government that is too weak to do anything anyway, a civil war is impossible. Q: Please help us to understand how they can be trying Saddam Hussein for killing 148 people 24 years ago when on some days they are killing twice as many in Iraq now. Does that make sense to you? A: You have to take the long view. Remember, we are in Iraq to stay the course. By 2030 C.E., which is 24 years from now, anyone killing so much as a goat will be tried and convicted. Do not allow miscellaneous factoids to confuse you. Stay focused and remain good to go where the Commander in Chief points. Q: What are some of the signs that show we are winning the war in Iraq? A: When we first liberated Iraq, the locals only tried to kill American military and were often not successful. Over time they have gotten better at that, which is proof of how American foreign aid is working. But the sign of the biggest improvement is that the Iraqis are now killing each other. In the bad old pre-American days, a few of them under Saddam Hussein's orders used to kill other Iraqis, but most Iraqis were forbidden to kill each other, but now, under democracy, all can slaughter each other. And next year there will be vastly improved electric service. Q: What is an asymmetrical war? A: There are several kinds of asymmetrical wars. One kind is when normal people fight dwarfs and midgets. Another kind is when normal people fight hunchbacks and or persons who have one leg shorter than the other. Another form of asymmetrical war is when Christians and Jews, generally thought of as white men, fight Arabs, generally not thought of as particularly white. Does that answer your question? Q: What is the Geneva Convention? A: The so-called Geneva Convention is held annually on a rotating basis by the pharmaceutical industry in Geneva, Ill., Geneva, Ohio, Geneva, N.Y., Lake Geneva, Wis., and Geneva, Switzerland. At these conventions, the delegates discuss questions of biomedical ethics. CONTINUED http://www.observer.com/20060814/20060814_Nicholas_von_Hoffman_opinions_vonhoffman.asp

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