Conservatives Announce Changes To 'Team Harper'

Harper indicated he started to consider the Team Harper shake-up shortly after aides informed him that Satan, rather than God, was the source of all earthly wealth and power. The Conservative leader used hockey metaphors to illustrate his points, indicating that to win a game ‘all team members have to show up willing to go the full sixty minutes. Lately neither God or Jesus has shown much interest in getting off the bench and putting a few in the net for Team Harper, so I decided it was time send them down to the minors and put Satan in at center for the power play’. While agreeing that the move might 'light a fire' under the flagging Conservative campaign, the first reaction of most insiders was concern that the proposed pact could signal a shift in Conservative policy. However, by the end of the day most agreed the changes would have little impact on Team Harper direction. A spokes-imp for Satan, Prince of Darkness, indicated that Harper’s proposal had come as a surprise and that the Lord of the Pit and his hellish court were hard at work analyzing potential impacts on the nine circles. The imp noted that Harper’s decision ‘placed Satan in an awkward situation’, however, refused to further elaborate on the statement. It went on to tell reporters that Satan had expressed reservations about Harper, adding ‘there’s just something about the guy that makes him difficult to trust. It’s like there’s some sort of hidden agenda there, and Satan just isn’t sure what it is. I'm not saying that a pact is out of the question...just that there's nothing on the table yet that would convince Satan to sell his soul to Harper.' 'Man on the street' interviews with several lesser demons revealed a concern that an association with Canadian politics might give Hell a bad name. Additionally, many expressed worry that Conservative policy might not mesh well with the subsidized medical plan enjoyed by Hell's minions. A spokes-angel for Lord God the Almighty told reporters that God ‘had expressed a feeling of relief when informed of Harper’s decision’ and that ‘the Almighty is hopeful this may signal a trend for other political leaders who have in recent years unilaterally associated themselves with the Omnipotent Power in ways that caused all sorts of embarassment to the Heavenly Realm.’ ‘It hasn’t been easy for God.’ the angel stated ‘There are just too many of these political yahoos using his name in vain to justify all sorts of bizarre and untoward acts’. The angel went on to indicate that the King of Heaven had hoped to ‘make an appearance on the Larry King show to set the record straight and distance himself from unwanted political associations’ however ‘was bumped from the show so Larry could interview Judge Judy Sheindlin.’ The angel concluded by suggesting that 'after the next tsunami when people start demanding to know where God is, they should ask Larry King.' Conservative party spokesperson Ima Dweeb later confirmed that in addition to the proposed Satanic pact, the Harper camp had entered into negotiations with group of sinister omnipotent beings known as ‘The Great Old Ones’ in a bid to revive the floundering Conservative campaign. Ms. Dweeb explained that the Conservatives wanted to ‘avoid putting all our eggs in one basket’ and stated that ‘the Conservative party is interested in dialoguing with any omnipotent dark power that shares our belief in firm fiscal restraint and the undesirability of so called ‘gay marriage’. ‘Great Cthulhu’, spokes-god for ‘The Great Old Ones’ arose from his horror-shrouded city of R'lyeh deep beneath the Pacific waves to briefly meet with media representatives on Wednesday afternoon. Cthulhu confirmed that Harper had approached the ‘The Great Old Ones’ with an offer for what he termed a 'win-win strategic alliance.' The monstrous entity told reporters that the Conservative deal offered up of the populace of Quebec for consumption or eternal enslavement by the malignant incarnations of evil in return for ‘The Great Old Ones’ support of Conservative candidates in Ontario. Cthulhu indicated the offer 'was certainly tempting' but added that 'a firm agreement had not been reached.' ‘In all honesty’ Cthulhu told members of the media ‘slumbering for uncounted aeons in the watery depths of the Pacific or the blackness beyond the edges of the universe really has a mellowing affect. Sure, in my younger years, I was as hepped up as the next demonic being at the thought of exterminating humanity and casting a veil of eternal darkness over the world. These days though, I’m content to put in a day of golf with Loki, Baal and some other friends and spend a quiet evening at home. Which reminds me, I borrowed the CSI 4th season DVD boxed set from my sister Shub-Niggurath, The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young, and have to return it tomorrow. I still have some episodes to watch, so I’ll just wish you all the season's best and say good-bye’, upon which the gelatinous abomination waved a tentacle in a cheery farewell and vanished beneath the waves. When asked about the impact of Harper’s satanic covenant on the election campaign, a Liberal Party representative dismissed the PC strategy suggesting, before disappearing in a puff of smoke, that ‘the Conservatives should thave noted the Liberal Party official colour before undertaking any deals with the Powers of Hell’. Sources close to Jack Layton indicated the NDP party was also seeking a deity with whom the party could form a strategic alliance however, had yet to locate a god or goddess of wishy-washiness in any religious pantheon researched by party analysts. [Proofreader's note: this article was edited for spelling and typos on December 17, 2005]