Harper Faces Stalking/Harassment Charge (Satire)

'I told him there was no way in hell he'd ever get a part in any of my future movies' the director said 'however, he just refused to take no for an answer.' ‘I couldn’t take it any more.’ Jackson told police 'He was really creeping me out.' In an exclusive interview with CBC film critic Justa Exwethrgurl, Jackson said he first made Harper’s acquaintance several years ago shortly before casting began for the first ‘Lord of the Rings’ movie trilogy. Jackson said that a Canadian casting agency friend had contacted him to discuss a ‘Canadian politician’ who had expressed interest in ‘breaking into the movie biz.’ The director said he agreed to find a part for the politician, thinking that a Canadian ‘name’ might help boost the LOTR box office in both of the nation’s theatres. ‘Of course’ Jackson said ‘that was before I knew who Stephen was’, indicating that by the time he found out it was too late to renege on the agreement. Jackson claimed Harper first visited his office shortly after he’d started casting, presenting him with a CV outlining his previous acting experience, acquired from the role of ‘Chicken Little’ in an elementary school production and several years spent in political life. According to Jackson, the Conservative leader told the director he’d been ‘bitten by the acting bug’ during his two hour run as Chicken Little some years past. Harper went on to explain that he’d hoped for a career in theatre however, had to put his dream on hold to get a ‘real job to put food on the table’, noting that after failing to find success in any ‘real job’, he became a politician. The director said Harper believed the acting experience he’d gained in the role of ‘politician’ would enable him to make a significant contribution to the LOTR production. Jackson admitted he felt immediate reservations about Harper’s acting ability, stating ‘The guy seemed to have a hard enough time acting like a human, much less anything else. I don’t know whether you’ve met him but, he’s really stiff and formal. It was kind of like having a conversation with an ambulatory coat track. Anyway, he had this idea that he was a perfect ‘Aragorn’ son of ‘Arathorn.’ You’ve seen Harper…right? If I’d been casting for the role of ‘Weiner’ son of ‘Marshmallow', he’d have been a shoo-in…but a descendant of Numenorean kings…well, it just wasn’t going to happen.’ In the first example of what Jackson asserted became ‘an almost a daily event’, he had to tell Harper that Viggo Mortenson had previously won the ‘Aragorn’ role. The director stated that ‘Harper seemed a bit down in mouth after I gave him the news. But, he recovered pretty quickly and was back the next day in some sort of Arabian nightmare costume…you know, pointy shoes and all… that I guess he thought made him look like a wizard. Anyway, he runs into the office in this bizarre get-up and starts screaming ‘Fly, you fools’, at all the office staff. I could see where this was heading, so dragged him in my office and explained that Ian McKellen had already agreed to assume the role of ‘Gandalf the Grey.’ Well, he gets a bit down in the mouth again. After I finally convinced him to leave, I had to jump on the phone to Ian McKellen to try to convince him to take on the role. I ended up having to pay him twice the amount I’d initially budgeted for ‘Gandalf’ however, he finally agreed to come on board and promised to give Harper the impression that he’d accepted the role months ago if Stephen ever happened to ask. We lost a couple of office clerks to stress leave from that fiasco however, the worst was yet to come. It pretty much became a daily habit for Harper to show up ‘costumed’ for one role or another. I mean, we ran the gamut…’Elrond’, ‘Saruman’, ‘Boromir’, ‘Legolas’…and let me tell you, it takes a pretty strong stomach to handle Harper capering about in green tights…the whole gang. Finally, we get to ‘Gollum’. He really had me there for a few days. I mean, Gollum is a pretty nasty piece of work and I had to admit Harper fit the bill. So while I’m thinking about this, he spends a few days hopping around the lot ‘golluming’ everyone who crosses his path and muttering on about his ‘prrrrecccioussss. Believe me, Harper doing ‘Gollum’ isn’t something a person wants to see more than once in a lifetime. I finally had to turn him down. My view was that for ‘Gollum’ to be totally effective, there had to be some aspect of the character that evoked a sympathetic response from the audience. Obviously, this wasn’t something Harper could deliver…so the whole process started again. Anyone else would seen the writing on the wall and buggered off by the time we got to the Ents. But, Harper just wouldn’t quit. I considered casting him as the Balrog, simply to have an excuse to set him ablaze, however had to back off from that idea when the rest of the cast refused to enter the Mines of Moria if Harper was present. Finally, I cast him as Orc #314695…you know, one of jokers that gets flattened by a piece of masonry flung from the city trebuchets in the siege of Minas Tirith scenes. Having decided what to do with him, I had to sit down with Steve one day and force myself to keep a straight face while explaining that Orc #314695 was a pivotal role in the movie and I was really counting on him to pull it off and save the whole project from going down the tubes. Of course, Stephen sits there all earnest looking and lapping it up, yammering ‘I understand, Mr. Jackson’, ‘I’ll do my best, Mr. Jackson’, ‘I won’t let you down, Mr. Jackson’, that type of thing. This got Harper off my back for a while, except for the times he showed up to get my approval for the latest ‘terrified Orc about to be crushed by a titanic rock’ facial expression he’d created. LOTR fans may be interested to learn that the siege of Minas Tirith scenes they saw near the end of the third movie were among the first we shot…I’ll let you guess why. Once we got to Steve’s ‘big scene’, and I’d convinced the crew not to use a real rock, the shoot went pretty well. I figured that with the scene done, Harper would head back to wherever he’d come from and I could complete the rest of the project in peace. I can still picture him standing there with Orc makeup and tears streaming down his face as he blubbered on about how proud he was of our collaboration and how he hoped we’d be working on another project soon. Turns out I’m wrong. After giving it some thought, Harper decides that he needs to stay and ‘help’ me complete the films. The next phase in what Harper had apparently convinced himself was our ‘collaboration’ were numerous script changes he began suggesting to ‘improve’ the story. His first brilliant idea was to let Sauron win…his thinking being that the films might not draw an audience because most would have read the books and consequently be uninterested in the films because they already knew the ending. Stephen figured that the only way to generate interest was to change the end of the story and keep everyone ‘guessing’. So, in his version, Frodo and Sam turned the ring over to Sauron in exchange for Sauron turning over Galadriel and Arwen Undomiel to serve as their, as Stephen put it, ‘Elf love slaves’. Naturally, I was aghast…but he just kept rambling on, growing more and more visibly ‘excited’ as he described the scenes he envisioned. Finally, I just had to cut him off…explaining that the whole thing just wouldn’t wash with the LOTR faithful. I had to shower several times that evening before finally feeling ‘clean’. Of course, he didn’t stop. One day he’d be in explaining why Legolas should be a girl, so as to not confuse youngsters by what he thought might otherwise be construed as a ‘gay’ relationship between the Elf and Gimli the dwarf. The next, he’s explaining to me why Treebeard should be wearing pants, again speculating about the potential negative impact on youngsters that could arise from seeing a naked Ent striding through Fanghorn forest. This went on and on, with him suggesting ‘Mordor’ be renamed ‘Martinor’ and 'Sauron' should be renamed 'Jean'…that the ‘good’ side should be robed in blue and the ‘bad’ in red…that Saruman should be portrayed as a forward thinking, well intended ‘free enterpriser’, as opposed to the obviously ‘socialistic ‘Hobbit’ lifestyle…and on and on and on. It just got worse and worse and I found myself needing increasingly large doses of various tranquilizers just to make it through the day. Then of course there were the inevitable cast problems. Turned at that at some point, Harper developed a bad case of the hots for Liv Tyler. This comes to a head at a cast party when Harper has one too many and decides to jump up on her table and serenade her with an off-key rendition of ‘Rag Doll’. Of course, Liv’s dad, Aerosmith front-man Steve, just happens to be at the party and takes umbrage at Harper gyrating lewdly in front of his little girl. It was obvious to everyone but Harper that Steve T. was getting pretty agitated. Finally, Steve T. gets up and grabs Steve H. and starts pummelling. I jump in between the two of them, ending up with broken glasses and a fat lip for my efforts. It all finishes with Mortensen, Bloom and Bean holding back the enraged Steve T.; me standing there with blood pouring from my lip and smashed specs and Steve H. on the floor sobbing that Steve T. ‘broke his nose’. The whole thing was a complete mess. Things just got more and more ridiculous. Every night we'd tell Harper the 'shoot' location for the the next day, then in the morning after he and his personal driver had left, we'd head off to the real location. Unfortunately, New Zealand isn't the largest island in the world and he always seemed able to track us down by lunch. I seriously considered closing down the production, but decided I’d just have security bar Harper from the lot. Then out of nowhere a miracle occurs, with Steve receiving a call from Canada telling him he has to go back for a leadership convention or something. This ends up with him back in my office apologizing for ‘having to leave me in a lurch’ and ‘not being able to see things through.’ Anyway, I figure that’s the last I’ll see of him, thank God. We get back to making the films and the rest is, as they say, history. Turns I’m wrong again. Harper gets wind of the King Kong project and starts contacting my people to arrange a reading for the ‘Bruce Baxter’ role. Luckily, my folks were able to convince him that a shark had devoured me during a scuba dive and that the movie project was off…which gets him off my back for a while. Of course, when the movie hits the theatres the cat is out of the proverbial bag and…well, you know the rest. I must say that the part of the whole affair I found hardest to handle was my inability to understand what it had been about me that proved so enticing to a whackjob like Harper. Fortunately, I later found out I wasn’t the first director to become the object of Harper’s thespian desires when George Lucas told about the hell he’d gone through dealing with a ‘Canadian politician’ who saw himself as being a perfect match for the role of ‘Master Yoda’. I mean the animated puppet part I can get…but the rest? Anyway, it wasn’t much…but it made me feel a bit better about things. Jackson mentioned that he bore Harper no ill will and 'just hoped that he got the help he obviously desperately needed'. The director went on to say he wished Harper the best in his quest for ultimate power in Canada, saying ‘Maybe if they make him PM or High Nabob or whatever you have here, he won’t have time to bother working people in Hollywood.’ In response to a question as to how he proposed to create a LOTR sequel, given that the 'One Rinf' and Sauron met their end in the first trilogy, Jackson responded that he saw it as being an ‘Alien Resurrection’ type thing. Jackson explained that the sequel would reveal a tiny sliver of gold being chipped from the ring as it is cut from Sauron’s finger. The second trilogy would begin with a group of technologically advanced Orcs finding the sliver and cloning another ‘One Ring’ from it. ‘I haven’t thought much past that point’ Jackson admitted ‘but fans can rest assured it will a bang-up, Harper-less sequel they won’t soon forget…accompanied by a series of action figure collectibles. Representatives for the Conservative leader issued a statement in which they claimed Mr. Harper had been under extreme stress during the election campaign and was currently ‘resting’ at an unidentified location to recover his ‘vim and vigour’. The statement dismissed Mr. Jackson’s comments as being ‘typical of the wild imaginings one could expect from a known purveyor of ‘fantasy’ films.’