Canada To Sell Territories - April 01, 2005

Posted on Friday, April 01 at 09:40 by Calumny
When asked about the details of the deal, Treasury Board President Reg Alcock stated 'It's extremely technical and well beyond the understanding of Canadians other than the five or ten who are as smart as me, so there's no point discussing the matter further. Just trust us.' Sources close to the PM state that the deal is worth 'billions'; however, as a result of current financial demands on the U.S. to fund foreign military adventurism, the Canadian government has agreed to proceed with the deal on the basis of an I.O.U and a promise that Ottawa will be considered for a NBA team during the next league expansion. When asked about the impact for residents of the affected areas, sources close to the PM indicated that white people who wish to remain Canadian citizens will receive a generous relocation package consisting of a bus ticket to Toronto and a package containg all forms required to apply for provincial social assistance. Other residents of the affected area are anticipated to be required for U.S. resource development projects and so will not be relocated. 'It's a real requirement that a local pool of slave, I mean, "available" labour be on location to support U.S. development plans for the area,' a PMO official told us. 'Besides, all those damn Indians, I mean, First Nations ever did was whine about how hard they had it...let's see how they like things now...hee, hee, hee.' When asked about the deal, a source close to the Bush administration expressed surprise: 'Gee, I thought that was already part of the States. Where is it exactly? Do they speak English or just Canadian?' Jack Layton, leader of the NDP party, stated that 'this is the most horrendous act of U.S. toadying imperialist running dog treachery ever perpetrated on the Canadian people by a Canadian government but, hey, what can you do?Unfortunately, I'm scheduled to attend a critically important conference in Trinidad on the nearing extinction of the Indonesian green slimed tree slug. Otherwise I'd voice my contempt for this decision in the House of Parliament. Guess I'll have to get Svend to do it...oh, Svend isn't around...hmmm, who else do we have? Audrey...Audrey...' Stephen Harper, leader of some other party, expressed outrage, stating that 'the damned Liberals have again stolen a page from our play book.' Gilles Duceppe, leader of the Bloc Quebecois, said, 'Oh yeah, right, they'll let the territories go...' Residents of the affected area are forbidden to comment by virtue of section 666 of the newly announced 'Northern Patriot Act.' News of the sale, and an overheard muttered comment by PM Martin to the effect of 'trading the place for a couple of cases of Jack Daniels,' has served to fuel speculation concerning federal plans for Quebec. A source close to the Bush administration confirmed U.S. interest in acquiring that province, salivating that 'Christ, it's like a cold version of California, but with the jibber jabbering migrant labour right there, and they're almost white, sort of.' If we can sucker that canuck sap Martin, I mean, our esteemed Canadian trading partners, into handing it over, we got plenty of folks from the south who'd be up there building plantations tomorrow.' The truncated nation will be accompanied by a change to its previous name of 'Canada' to 'Can,' a change which sources close to the PM believe will create an important psychological support for government initiatives already underway to transform an unproductive, plodding Canadian labour force into a nation of mindless zombies who are willing to toil endlessly for subsistance wages at the behest of their corporate overlords. The cost of printing new maps, government forms, etc., required as a result of the new 'Can' name has been estimated by the firm (RegMart Printing) contracted to complete the work as being in the $6-billion range, $25,000 of which is attributable to the raw materials and an additional $150 labour cost for the 1200 employees of the firm's printing plant in the Fookyu region of China to complete the six-month project. [Proofreader's note: this article was edited for spelling and typos on April 2, 2005]

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Comments

  1. Fri Apr 01, 2005 1:42 am
    Calumny, you need help. ;)

    Might I suggest my pal Johnny Walker? ROFLMAO.


    ---
    "If you must kill a man, it costs you nothing to be polite about it." Winston Churchill

  2. Fri Apr 01, 2005 1:50 am
    Yes, and you'd think in the socialist Canadian paradise so often referred to by right-wing contributors, I'd be able to get it.

    But, ooohhhh nnnooo, no help for me.



    ---
    "When we are in the middle of the paradigm, it is hard to imagine any other paradigm" (Adam Smith).

  3. Fri Apr 01, 2005 5:31 am
    From a middle of the roader (toader?)...that was SWEET, dude, lol...just what the doc ordered :):):)...I just might forgive your leftist rants someday ;) ...

  4. Fri Apr 01, 2005 6:01 am
    "Besides, when George was talking about the idea, he kept calling me Saddam. What would you do?'"

    THAT'S FUNNY!

    Good job. After my heart skipped a beat... Why do I always fall for April Fools jokes? Whaa? I guess I do give people the benefit of the doubt...... at first.



    ---
    "And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." Frederick Neitsche

  5. Fri Apr 01, 2005 2:15 pm
    Leftist rants? Moi?

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    "When we are in the middle of the paradigm, it is hard to imagine any other paradigm" (Adam Smith).

  6. Fri Apr 01, 2005 4:29 pm
    In French they would say: "Calumny: tu vois clair". This story makes perfect sense. Now could the Territories sell Canada?

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    "We are all in this together somehow, some more than others somehow"

  7. Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:18 pm
    Good April fools joke. Nice touch with Jack Layton and the "running dogs". Would have been more effective with a reference to the "Capitalist roaders" within the Liberals and Conservatives parties respectively. I always thought Jack Layton belonged to the Red Guard in his youth.

  8. Fri Apr 01, 2005 8:12 pm
    Bravo! Excuse me while I catch my breath from the initial shock of the title...

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    --Sooner or later you've got to do something--

  9. Fri Apr 01, 2005 8:56 pm
    The media take is interesting. The Star says the key to this deal was a beach front condiminium down in Florida. The Globe suggested it was between this and losing the Hollywood North title. They reckon we won. CBC demands a Royal Commission since that's always our response and this is too important to try anything new. And the Sun is selling t-shirts with their new Canada minus liabilities logo.

  10. Fri Apr 01, 2005 9:38 pm
    :O You scared me for a second...bahh.

    ---
    The midget, Bush, and that Rumsfield deserve only to be beaten with shoes by freedom loving people everywhere.

    - Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, The Iraqi Informat

  11. Fri Apr 01, 2005 9:56 pm
    Yeah, good one, Calumny, but geez, don`t give them any ideas!

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    Dave Ruston

  12. Sat Apr 02, 2005 4:52 am
    You are a riot!!! I needed that :)

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    These days, if you are not confused, you are not thinking clearly. Mrs. Irene Peters

  13. Sat Apr 02, 2005 5:28 am
    --Just read the whole thing and that was hilarious. I especially laughed at the following:


    Jack Layton, leader of the NDP party stated 'This is the most horrendous act of U.S. toadying imperialist running dog treachery ever perpetrated on the Canadian people by a Canadian government but, hey, what can you do?' 'Unfortunately, I'm scheduled to attend a critically important conference in Trinindad on the nearing extinction of the Indonesian green slimed tree slug otherwise, I'd voice my contempt for this decision in the House of Parliament. Guess I'll have to get Svend to do it...oh, Svend isn't around...hhmmm, who else do we have? Audrey...Audrey...

    ---
    The midget, Bush, and that Rumsfield deserve only to be beaten with shoes by freedom loving people everywhere.

    - Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, The Iraqi Informat

  14. Sun Apr 03, 2005 5:27 pm
    <p>This is a belated April Fool's read for me but good satire never gets stale. What a laugh and as gaulois said, it is all so close to the truth.<p> Calumny my friend, you're a riot ! (oops sorry, didn't mean to be rude) ;)



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