PCs Deny Ebay Rumour

The basic premise of the ‘Operation Bargain Basement’ document is that technological progress and significant shifts in the global economy have markedly changed the world which existed at the time of the last PC federal government. These changes fundamentally alter the PC thought of that time, which culminated in the creation of the Mulroney ‘US is U.S.’ strategy. The ‘US is U.S.’ strategy proposed the gradual absorption of Canada into the U.S. by means of a surreptitious ‘going out of business’ sale of Canadian ‘assets’ to our southern neighbour at 'firesale' prices. In an excerpt from the 'Operation Bargain Basement' document, the author claims: ‘The ‘US is U.S.’ plan of the Mulroney government made sense in a time when our southern neighbour was the only ‘show’ in town and a ‘World Wide Web’ was in its infancy. However, the emergence in recent years of Asian economic giants and corporate quasi-nations like Wal-Mart, accompanied by spectacular advances in Internet technology, now provide options that were unavailable when the ‘US is U.S.’ plan was developed.’ ‘For example,’ the document states, ‘offering portions of western Canada on Ebay could create a bidding war between potential purchasers, such as the U.S., China, Japan, Russian organized crime and various Tong and Yakuza interests, and result in a substantially higher return than might previously have been the case under the ‘US is U.S.’ proposal. Similarly, the large pool of unskilled labour in the Atlantic provinces and parts of Quebec make these areas ideal for companies such as Walmart and Nike. Acquisition of these areas would allow corporations to legitimize themselves as nations, e.g., ‘Waltonia’, ‘Nikeragua;, etc., while also providing a servile worker populace accustomed to third world living standards and rendered passive by years of dependence of government social programs. It is fair to anticipate that corporations would bid eagerly for rights to these areas and that the returns that result from this bidding war could again exceed those that could be expected under the ‘US is U.S.’ plan.’ PC spokesperson Trusmeenot began the press conference by dismissing the document as being even more absurd than recent allegations concerning the alleged control of Stephen Harper’s mental processes by Venusian lizard people seeking to utilize non-right-wing humans as a food source, indicating that ‘if Mr. Harper had any mental processes to control, we’d know about it.’ Trusmeenot then vigorously denied the existence of PC party plans to peddle Canada on ‘IBay’ subsequent to the party’s anticipated federal election victory. When reminded by press members that the internet site in question was named ‘Ebay’, Trusmeenot responded, ‘yes, that’s what I said, no sale on Obay’. When asked why he was apparently unable to deny reports of an ‘Ebay’ sale, Trusmeenot refused to comment further, claiming the press ‘had it in for the PCs’ and that ‘they’d see…’. Responding to Trusmeenot’s denials, supporters of the document’s authenticity point to a number of strange items that have recently appeared on Ebay, claiming these as confirmation that the PCs are ‘putting out feelers’. One such item is described by the seller, ‘TF’, as a ‘fixer-upper’ on a ‘scenic 1,542,056 Km² lot with water frontage’, which some claim sounds suspiciously like Quebec. Another item offered by the same seller is described as a ‘developed rental property’ located on Lake Ontario, which requires ‘some updating’ but ‘shows a good rate of return from its 3 million tenants.’ In other election news, PM Martin continued to one-up the PCs in the ‘kiddie wars’ that have developed during the campaign. Martin pledged 25.5 billion dollars to build daycare centers throughout Quebec that could create as many as ‘125 new daycare slots’ in that province. Martin went on to indicate that the new program would also support services directed towards stressed out parents, such as lounges in which parents could consume ‘popcorn and beer’ and watch ‘Habs games’ and adjacent golf courses on which parents could improve health and physical fitness by putting in a few rounds on the links. PQ leader Gilles Duceppe, scoffed at the proposal stating ‘This is simply another feeble attempt by a corrupt Liberal government to deflect attention from the real issues. Quebecois will not be taken in by transparent attempts win their votes with red herrings stinking of Liberal treachery and deceit. All Quebecois know that once we have freed ourselves from the putrid, rotting corpse that is Canada, no one will have jobs….I mean… will have to work in the paradise we will create and therefore daycare will no longer be an issue.’ NDP leader Jack Layton was unavailable for comment. A NDP spokesperson said the leader was doing something ‘electiony’. Leaders from the CAP, Green and other Canadian federal fringe parties had comments however, were unable to locate anyone interested in listening. PM Martin also took time to respond to questions concerning the possibility of Mr. Harper being telepathically controled by an alien race. 'Well, I'm not sure what would make anyone think that Mr. Harper was controlled by malevolent alien forces' the PM stated with a grin and rolling eyes. 'If he is, well they can't be that bright. I mean, here's a guy running a campaign against the most corrupt government in Canadian history and he can't even win in the polls. What does that tell you'? [If there ever was a need for a 'Humour' topic . . . Dr.C] [Proofreader's note: this article was edited for spelling and typos on December 17, 2005]