Jack And Jesus

In response to media enquiries about the wisdom of his decision to support a party dedicated to taking a province out of Canada, Jesus wryly indicated that ‘Heaven experienced a separatist issue too. But, everything worked out in the long run and I’m sure the same will be true for Canada.’ Gilles Duceppe, who despite recent scurrilous rumours still remains the BQ leader, told reporters that ‘In all honesty. we'll win every seat in Quebec with or without Jesus. Still, I appreciate the thought and his support.’ Duceppe later confided to reporters that ‘Jesus is a great guy but geez, that perfect Parisian French of his can really come off as being a bit snotty. It’s probably best if he just tours the ROC with Jack and leaves Quebec to me.’ NDP leader Jack Layton indicated that having Jesus on board was a ‘gift from heaven’ for the NDP campaign and that ‘Jack and Jesus were the perfect mix for a revitalized Canada in two thousand and six.’ Layton admitted that as an avowed atheist the arrival of Jesus had been somewhat surprising however, he was man enough to admit when he was wrong and was just happy to have J.C. on the NDP team. Visibly angered Conservative leader Stephen Harper stated that Jesus had ‘stuck a cross in his back’ and that he’d always had a suspicion that the Anointed One was in fact a ‘closet pinko.’ Jesus responded that he was 'sorry Stephen felt that way' however 'can't imagine how anyone who had read the Gospels could have believed him to be a Conservative supporter.' Liberal leader Paul Martin appeared unperturbed, stating ‘it will take a lot more than God and the Heavenly Host to remove the federal Liberal party from office’ and that even with Jesus in their corner the NDP ‘don’t have a prayer.’ Jim-Bob Dosanjh, Liberal candidate for Surrey South Central, agreed with his leader's remarks. Dosanjh, a devout Hindu and wrestling buff explained 'Picture a cage match between the Prince of Peace and Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds and then tell me who you think is coming out of the cage.' In a brief interview, God told reporters he was finding the situation a bit difficult because ‘this is the first time in years that Jesus won't be home for his birthday. But' the King of Heaven continued ‘we both agreed something had to be done and this just seemed like the right time to start doing it. It gets a bit frustrating at times. I mean, I work my heavenly butt off for a few days to create a nice world for these people and all they seem able to do is run around killing each other in my name and just generally screwing up the works. Sometimes, I just feel like flooding the place and starting over. Maybe I should have just stuck with the dinosaurs…’ In a related story, Connie Fogal, leader of the Canadian Action Party, announced that the Holy Ghost had offered CAP its support in the coming election. Fogal admitted to press representatives that ‘it would have been nice to have a higher profile member of the Holy Trinity in the CAP corner’ however ‘I'm still thankful for small miracles.’ Fogal went on to state that she expected the support of the Holy Ghost will ‘really pay off for the three CAP candidates contesting seats in the coming federal election’ and that with luck the intervention of the divine spirit would ‘allow us to increase the number of votes we receive to a level that will give us enough cash to repair the leaky roof on my house…I mean…CAP party HQ. The Holy Ghost downplayed suggestions that its support of CAP and the support offered by Jesus to the NDP demonstrated a schism with the Holy Trio, offering that ‘I prefer the directness and the strong stance taken by CAP in areas such as NAFTA and the need to value people over profits. Jesus is more comfortable with a softer approach and the NDP way of talking. Let's face it, the guy will never be accused of being the most ‘direct’ speaker in the world. I mean, read some those parables he used to rhyme off and see if you can figure out exactly what the hell he’s talking about. Then check out the ‘issues’ outlined on the NDP website…you’ll see what I mean. We’re simply different aspects of the Holy Spirit but, I want to assure you all that even if we disagree on some political issues, it’s still ‘one for all and all for one’ when the chips are down.’ When asked about his future plans, Jesus indicated he’d be heading to Washington to discuss world peace with President Bush. Political pundits agree that with the intervention of Jesus, the NDP could increase their support amongst the 23,567 Canadians expected to vote in the federal election by as much as 1.48 percent. Veteran political reporter I. Telbiguns opined that the marquee value offered by Jesus might have declined since the years when Christians actually outnumbered Beanie Baby collectors in Canada, stating ‘Let’s be honest, Wayne Gretzky he ain’t.’ Thor, Norse God of Thunder also spoke briefly with reporters late today. In response to a question as to why so many ancient deities and demonic presences had returned to play an active role in the forthcoming Canadian election, Thor indicated that people might be feeling let down by more modern gods and goddesses and were simply seeking heavenly or hellish advice from more traditional sources as to how best cast their ballot. 'You have to admit that pronouncements from modern gods have often fallen pretty short of the mark.' Thor told reporters 'I mean, take Gates, god of MS. Here's a deity that assures his worshippers that all they needed to do is worship at the altar of his crappy software and he'll deliver a paperless heaven on earth. Visited any offices lately?'