Voting With Wallets

We all complain that our politicians, especially during vote-hunting season, are always trying to bribe us with our own money. And many of us express concerns that the average voter is insignificant, that whatever party forms the government will do whatever it wishes and will pad the pockets of their friends and associates. We bemoan that the government does too little/too much (take your pick) for the Canadian people and that all those tax dollars are either squirreled away where they can collect dust instead of interest; or they are frittered and misspent so that, when the beans are counted, we struggle to find anything meaningful that was accomplished with all the tax money.

All of this is painfully true. We watched in bemused horror when the Human Resources scandal erupted a few years ago; the incredible sham of the Gun Registry angered most of us, even if we thought registering guns was a good idea; the Sponsorship scandal is still fresh in our minds as the latest example of monkeyshines in the nation’s pre-eminent nuthouse. In a parliament that holds a significant number of convicted criminals or those whose links with crime seem pretty certain, the fact they manage to extort money from us peacefully should be considered a hopeful sign. At least they aren’t taking it from us at gunpoint.

So here’s the first suggestion: cut out the middleman (that’s us) and let politicians get on with the business of making themselves and their friends wealthy by accepting bribes without any shame. Before you dismiss the idea out of hand, think about what it would mean.

Corporations and the wealthy would immediately latch on to the idea of buying political favours, at least those who aren’t doing that already. Think what that could mean: parliamentarians would be paid by those seeking favours and we would see the spectacle of MPs actually working for the people who are paying them. When is the last time you heard of a Canadian MP doing any useful work for a citizen? Since they don’t work now for the people who pay them (you and me), the idea of them having to perform for the people filling their pockets has a certain attractiveness. We would readily see which politicians are willing to work for their money and that would provide us with a good gauge for whether they ought to be re-elected.

By having them take responsibility for raising pre-paid questions and pre-determined voting, we’ll be in a much better position to judge how well our MPs perform. It will be much more clear when they are completely derelict of their duty and we must presume that those paying for the votes will demand their money back if the MP doesn’t deliver. Surely you can anticipate that most MPs will not fail to meet the needs of the people paying the bribes, so we will get a display of customer service at its finest. It will be a shining example of responsible behaviour to which we can all aspire.

And think of the work ethic! Hard working parliamentarians will be eager to solicit bribes and to deliver the goods. That will require MPs who are willing to work long and hard to satisfy their customers, something that has surely escaped their consideration so far.

Now I am sure there are some who would think this is not such a good idea. Why should MPs be paid by us and get to make even more money by taking bribes? Fair enough. So here’s the second suggestion: privatize Parliament.

Parliament costs us a lot of money, year after year, and there is very little return for our money. The wealthy and the corporations, on the other hand, do very nicely by jiggling the strings of our gang of marionettes. So why not let them pay for it? The whole thing. They’re running it anyway, so it only seems reasonable that they should also pay the costs.

The benefits of privatizing Parliament should be obvious. Since we won’t be paying the costs, it won’t be necessary to pretend that we have a democracy and we could do away with elections altogether. Let’s face it, a large number of us won’t miss elections: that’s why we don’t bother to participate in them. They are extremely expensive and since they never give us the results we want, let the corporations who run Parliament pay for it and get what they want. We won’t be giving up anything since we have no power as citizens anyway.

Naturally, a corporate-run Parliament would be very concerned about being lean and mean and would want to explore other ways to save costs. That will lead to privatization of the police, the military, and all those government services. And they would surely want to privatize Canada’s resources to turn all that geography into cold hard cash. Never mind that none of that money will make its way into your pocket or mine, you’ll be able to feel good knowing that someone else is realizing the benefit of selling off our country at fire sale prices.

Either of these ideas would be a godsend for Canada. Life would be so much simpler; we could finally stop pretending to listen to our politicians and they could stop pretending to listen to us. Canada could finally live up to its potential without the pesky bother of democracy gumming up the works.

The alternative is not attractive. The alternative means getting involved, voting, being educated about issues, haranguing politicians until they do what you ask them to do, working hard to change the electoral system in order to institute real democracy, exerting pressure to keep corporations and special private interests out of the electoral process, conducting petitions, and so on. Sounds like way too much work to me, so I’ll just have a nap until the January election is over. Then the rest of you can let me know what you’ve decided about the election after that.

[Proofreader's note: this article was edited for spelling and typos on December 31, 2005]