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| 20 Reasons Why We’re Ashamed To Be American |
In this post-election issue, while the righteous American editorialists wag their fingers at Russia's farcical elections, we want to hold up a giant mirror (with loudspeaker attached) across the Atlantic and scream what every sane American has been thinking—no actually, has been saying out loud—for nearly a decade now: We're Embarrassed To Be Americans.
Don't get us wrong. Here at the eXile, stationed in one of America's dozens of former colonies-turned-upstarts, we're ashamed not because America is hypocritical or imperialistic or militaristic or bloodthirsty. Would that we were! If only it were true, we'd shut our mouths and strut around the world, seizing our rightful booty the way booty-seeking citizens of "the most powerful empire in mankind's history" (to use one neocon's description in 2002) oughtta do.
It's not that America is so evil and bloodthirsty, it's that America has become the world laughingstock, a flash-in-the-pan hyperpower, the Sigue Sigue Sputnik of empires, the Charles Bovary of our day. The Bush years have made us so embarrassed to be Americans that even the shameful Carter Years look downright glorious by comparison.
We're not happy about it. We're pissed. Because as citizens of this Charles Bovary Nation, we've gone from globetrotting White Gods to globe-skulking buffoons-by-association. America has fucked up our action, and we're out for a little payback.
That's why we've framed this list in the most annoying, hippie-trekker, Susan Sarandon-esque way possible: Why We're Embarrassed To Be Americans. What makes it so appealing as a weapon to use against you assholes is that it's the ultimate hostel-hopping cliche imaginable.
Your cliched response, naturally, is to whine, "If yer so darned ashamed of bein' Amer'can, whyn'tchoo just tern in yer passport then, yuh darned traitor."
To which we reply, "No. We like our passports. They allow us to travel to most places. Nope, we don't wanna turn them in, sir. Instead, we'd rather tell you why we're embarrassed, while at the same time enjoying all of the advantages that U.S. citizenship still affords us, few though they may be."
So folks—since Americans are all "folks" these days—hold on to your beta-blockers and your ACE inhibitors, cuz we're gonna put on our most caring-sounding pedantic voice, tuck our heads into multi-colored rasta-caps, and tell you why we're so ashamed of being Americans. Here goes!
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1. Canadian dollar surpasses greenback
Those silly Canadians, remember how Americans used to laugh at them? How cute they looked when they'd resentfully mumble to visiting American tourists, "we're American, too—you don't own the name of our continent!" We did own it, though, which is why they were so cute, why they were so funny in all those South Park jokes. Canada was an almost-nation of almost-Americans with an almost currency called a "Canadian dollar," which was cute, and always worth about 50 American cents. Then, on September 20, 2007, a day that will live in shamefamy, the Canadian dollar passed up the U.S. dollar. People from the United States officially lost their right to call themselves "Americans." Now when we visit Canada we just say, "We're from south of the border"—if we can afford to visit Canada, that is.
2. Baptist birthrate.
According to recent stats, the U.S. birthrate is rising, and it's rising fastest among Baptists and Mormons. It's actually falling for Asians, the most promising demographic. But the dumbest, ugliest, meanest hicks on the planet are breeding like walking catfish, wriggling to new townhouse developments in the nastiest parts of the country like Nevada and Florida. We'll end with Vegas and Fort Lauderdale shaking hands over the corpse of the last decent American, the pounding of the Tin Spike into the American cadaver.
3. Fat is the new normal. Last year a Newsweek cover story asked the question, "Is Fat the New Normal?" At least the Nazi's truth-inversions had a poetic evil about them. America's truth inversions are just plain depressing. You people are gross, man.
4. The Iran War Puss-Out. No country has fucked with America more brazenly than Iran has. They took dozens of American hostages in 1979, funded Hezbollah's suicide bombing that killed 241 Marines, and now kill American soldiers in Iraq. The whole point of invading Iraq was to put Iran in a vise. But guess what? America doesn't have enough military power to attack anymore. So we issued a National Intelligence Report saying Iran isn't really such a big threat… Just like when Kim Jong Il set off his nukes and fired his missiles, we also pretended it was really not such a big deal. What we really said was, "White flag a-risin'!" Yup, "the world's only superpower" is too weak, too broke, and too afraid to go to war against a primitive third-rate enemy that literally lives in the Dark Ages. The war against the Axis of Evil is over: two bullshit countries caused America to flinch and scream "Uncle!" without ever having to fire a shot.
5. Losing two wars at once. "Vietnam Syndrome" meant one thing: America suffered its first and only defeat in its 200-year history, and it didn't know how to deal or what it meant. Then in the 90s, America got its George Foreman on, headed back into the war ring, and racked up some wins against, admittedly, a bunch of second-stringers. Enter the 21st-century, a new season, and America is heading into the final rounds of two concurrent defeats, against the two most laughable opponents on planet earth! We're now the basement team, the doormat of the war league, the Glass Jawed white giant whose only purpose is to launch the careers of new up-and-comers! At least Germany's 0-2 record came against worthy enemies… But to lose to Iraq and Afghanistan? With America pussing out of another two wars against Iran and North Korea, which we've all but forfeited with a default, our loss record is on the verge of a 0-4. We need to double-paper bag our heads over this one.
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11. The Loss of Latin America. So who's the idiot that forgot to pay off the Palace Guards in Caracas in 2002? America is so inept that we can't even pull off a coup in what FDR called "our little neighborhood down there." Yeah, we managed to get Aristide out of there without breaking a sweat, but Haiti doesn't count. It's been our practice field for a century now, where we warmed up for the real coups. Ike and the Dulles brothers used to knock off Iranian and Central American regimes over slices of morning cantaloupe. Just eight years ago, the entire hemisphere save one pesky island was America's to squeeze, and squeeze we did, while they begged for IMF handouts that only pulled them deeper into serfdom on our manor. Then Bush came to power and launched the most inept coup in American history against Chavez. And now all of Latin America has turned into a bunch of Castro-loving fags, welching on our IMF loans, and even inviting Ahmadinejad over for siestas and nationalization ceremonies. The title of a recent McClatchy article says it all: "Farewell to the Monroe Doctrine?" They might as well drop the question mark and fess up. There went the neighborhood a long time ago....
16. Cheap American Corruption. In Russia, if you want to buy a vote, you've got to pay a Duma politician about a million bucks. In America, if you want a Congressman to legislate a $5 billion tax break for your company, all you have to do is fly him to a golf course in some damp shithole like Scotland, and those $5 billion tax payer dollars are yours.
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18. The Ongoing Insane Southwest Building Boom. Exactly how many more years of extended drought and water/electricity shortages do Americans need before they stop building in the doomed Southwest? 14? 27? Will it take total Civilizational collapse like the kind Jim Kunstler sees right around the corner from the latest Scottsville condo project? The Dust Bowl is the new normal; the Colorado River is shrinking. Already states are fighting each other in court for access to dwindling water supplies, mirroring intra-state conflicts between agriculture and the cities. But still they keep building air-conditioned houses with lawns, even though the grids are already snapping during 110+ degree nights, killing all the old people who keep retiring there like it's 1966. The slow death of golf won't come soon enough to save the desert states. Vegas will make one hell of a ruin.
19. World's Largest Prison Population. The dollar may be crashing below even joke currencies like the Kazakh tenge, but when it comes to jailing our poor, we're still #1 with a bullet. More than two and a quarter million Americans—one out of every 100—are doing some form of time. Yup, when it comes to putting our citizens in prison, we kick the authoritarian crap out of repression stars like Russia and China. The U.S. also is riding high in the state-murder competition saddle, lagging only behind Pakistan, Sudan, China, and a few other beacons of liberty in the capital punishment competition. But hey, it's working! Americans don't kill each other in Wendy's restaurants or college campuses anymore, no siree! Welcome to the United States of Visiting Hours. Please keep your hands away from the plexiglass....
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