Prime Minister Stephen Harper unveiled the Conservative Party 2008 platform at a press conference held earlier today.
Reading notes from what appeared to be several cocktail napkins, the PM assured the largely CanWest media audience that the release of the Conservative platform on the day after the English language leader’s debate was ‘purely coincidental’ and had nothing to do with ’the personal attacks launched on me by other leaders in the form of questions I couldn’t answer’ during the previous night’s debate.
Harper indicated ‘ our platform is the culmination of two hours…I mean…two years of solid effort by myself…I mean…the Conservative party team and we‘re proud to offer my…I mean…our ideas to Canadians.
The PM explained that the late release of the platform was simply part of a Conservative strategy designed to give Canadians the chance to fully absorb the total asininity of the platforms offered by other irrelevant federal parties before being exposed to the ‘only ideas that really matter’ and have time to compare the ‘strong leadership’ offered by the Conservative Party to the ineffectual leadership offered by the ‘wimps‘ leading Canada's other political parties.
Harper quipped of the other leaders, ‘Let's face it, when Elizabeth May is the best man of the bunch, Canada knows it has a problem‘.
‘In these uncertain times, Canadians need innovative thought and the strong leadership I represent‘, the PM stated‘. Socialist fairy tales and environmental schemes concocted by pansies won‘t keep money in the pockets of the Canadian families who earned it.
A Conservative government will ensure that all Canadian families have a ‘choice in tax rate‘ and that ‘big government’ hands are kept out of their pockets by privatizing all taxation in Canada.‘
The PM explained that under the Conservative plan, corporations would be allowed to bid for ‘tax territories’, with the successful bidders receiving full taxation powers and federal programs being funded through the bid money received and a ‘cut‘ of the tax revenue collected.
‘Canadian families will benefit from this change in several ways,’ the PM opined.
‘Firstly, the federal government will be able to rid itself of the thousands of generally leftist and slothful bureaucrats who have wastefully administered these programs through the years, with huge cost savings that can be used to build the Canadian military to levels necessary to meet U.S., I mean…Canadian commitments around the world and protect Canadian families from immigrants and other hardened criminals.
Secondly, this change will enable Canada to eliminate inefficient provincial and municipal government, with their previous responsibilities being more efficiently administered by the corporation ruling…I mean… charged with the care of a territory and the elimination of wasteful socialist programs, such as day care and so-called ‘art’ courses, again with huge cost savings for Canadian families.
‘Thirdly, this plan allows Canada to gain a competitive edge and encourage investment in enterprises that will assist in removing undesirable and potentially pollutant non-renewable resources, by allowing us to eliminate corporate taxation and the complex processes currently involved in transferring money from individual taxpayers to the corporations that need it. Cutting out a bureaucratic level of deadbeat public servant middle-men and transferring cash directly into the accounts of the corporations that require it will again result in huge cost saving for Canadian families.
Fourthly, the federal government will be able to totally eliminate layers of useless regulation that hampers growth and business development by transferring this accountability to the responsible corporate citizen overseeing a territory. As well demonstrated by private telecommunication companies, customer service is the private sector’s number one priority and citizens will no longer be subject to the whims of taxpayer funded regulators aggravating business with pointless food, environmental and health regulations that were obviously designed for the sole purpose of protecting parasitical public service jobs.
Fifthly, this measure supports my promise to never raise taxes, as it eliminates any scenario in which I’d have to do so.
Finally, this change benefits all Canadian families by forcing larcenous taxation demands from the state that took money out of Canadian family pockets to fund dubious infrastructure and programs, such as 'socialized medicine', to conform to market forces, thus guaranteeing the lowest possible tax rates for all citizens.‘
The PM outlined how forcing taxation to conform to market forces would result in the corporate overlords of a territory having to ‘compete’ for citizens through lower tax rates.
‘If citizens don’t like the tax rate in one territory’, the PM stated, ‘they can simply move to another that offers a lower rate.
This is exactly what happens in the market when a consumer feels the amount charged per litre by a gas station is simply too high. All they have to do is go to another which offers a lower price, thus encouraging petroleum producers and retailers to keep prices as low as possible through fruitful and productivecompetition, governed by an invisible hand that most outside of Economics M.A. holders such as myself may not even be aware exists.'
The PM went on to indicate that the successful implementation of the transfer of taxation powers to private enterprise would enable the transfer of other federal programs to the more efficient private sector, with resulting benefits for Canadian families.
‘Imagine a world where corporations are competing for you by offering higher pension, child and health benefits.
Don’t think the territory you’re living in offers a good enough benefit for popping out kids? Well, you’re free to find one that does’, the PM stated. ‘Canadian families will be freed from having to accept a 'fixed level benefit' offered by ‘big government’ and empowered to market themselves to territories competing to offer the highest possible benefit to their citizens. It‘s simply another win-win for responsible corporate citizens and Canadian families.
Under a Conservative government, federal government will be reduced to play the role it was intended to play and eventually be responsible only for military and internal security matters and some health care matters, which I'll discuss later, offering even more cost savings to Canadian families and allowing them to keep more of whatever the corporation running their territory sees fit to pay them for their hard work.
Canadian families will see even more saving when the reduction of ‘big government’ is complete and I become the sole remain public master...I mean...servant and assume leadership of the Canadian military, with the money currently wasted on salaries for unnecessary MPs and government infrastructure being recovered through the dissolution of an inefficient and no longer required Parliament and the sale of surplus public property, such as the Parliament buildings
‘The Canadian family is what Conservatives are all about. And our second initiative will strengthen the Canadian family by ensuring parents have the time to raise their children properly.
Single parents have a tough row to hoe and can encounter difficulties in achieving a work-life balance. A Conservative government recognizes this and will legislate to ensure that single parents are not exposed to the vicissitudes of a political life that can demand as much as two months of full-time work every year. A Conservative government will support Canadian families by ensuring federal MPs are not forced to be single parents’
In response to an observation by an obviously leftist media representative that the PM seemed to be saying single parents would not be allowed to seek federal office and an accompanying query as to whether this had any connection to the PM being more or less b***h-slapped by the Green party leader, Elizabeth May, in the previous night’s debate, the PM stated confidently smirked that the ‘initiative is about families, not petty aspersions bandied about by rookie political leaders‘ and offered the ‘he respected Elizabeth’ and that ’the strength of a Conservative democracy is that anyone, even those who are likely dykes, has the opportunity to express their aberrant views…so long as this isn’t done in taxpayer funded independent films of dubious moral quality.’
The PM went on to discuss the confusion that had often been felt by Conservatives when their frequent attempts to build ‘partnership bridges’ to better help Canadian families were met by antipathy from other parties.
‘We just didn’t get it.’, the PM stated, ‘All we ever wanted was to build relationships that could better serve the Canadian family, and all they did was abuse us. It was really hurtful.
But, a recent book by the eminent Dr. Lyle Rossiter, entitled ‘The Liberal Mind: The Psychological Causes of Political Madness’, finally opened our eyes to the tragedy unfolding around us.’
The PM offered a quote from Dr. Rossiter’s book, "Based on strikingly irrational beliefs and emotions, modern liberals relentlessly undermine the most important principles on which our freedoms were founded. Like spoiled, angry children, they rebel against the normal responsibilities of adulthood and demand that a parental government meet their needs from cradle to grave."
‘We finally understood‘, the PM indicated, ‘that hurt or anger wasn‘t an appropriate response. The leftist’s abusive actions and inability to understand our viewpoint was beyond their control. It was simply an outcome of a liberal mental illness that broke their link to the truth of the Conservative reality, not an intentional attack on us. We realize now that compassion and care, not anger, is the required, and humane, response to a tragic and unasked for affliction suffered by many of our brother and sister Canadians.
A Conservative government will offer compassion and care to support those many Canadian families whose are afflicted by liberal mental illness and will immediately commit the necessary funds to ensure the 64% of Canadians who suffer from this disease receive the treatment they need to resume their normal functions in a Conservative society.
Treatment centres administered by caring religious organizations in partnership with the corporation ruling a Canadian territory will be built to incarcerate the afflicted until such time as these pitiful individuals are cured of the ‘liberalness’ that infects their minds and are able to resume their duties within our nation and Conservative reality.’
‘The final major component of our platform recognizes the commitment of Canadians towards world peace and the role historically played by Canada in this regard.
A Conservative government will recognize and support this historic commitment by creating a ‘Peacekeepers for Hire’ function within the Conservative…I mean…Canadian Armed Forces.
This function will serve to assure the world and our U.S. masters….I mean…partners that Canada is a ’world player’ in the pacification…I mean…peace process and a country committed to the promotion of a pseudo-democratic facade in nations that may not always understand why they need to do things our way and provide what we need at the price we want.
This initiative will support Canadian families by ensuring an ongoing source of funds that will maintain their passivity and productivity within my strong Canadian realm…I mean…democracy and find a productive occupation for youth who might otherwise become hardened criminals.
The PM concluded his speech by indicating ‘We are confident that our platform will meet the needs of normal Canadian families composed of a male and female stay-at-home spouse and several children and those of the Canadian corporate community and our partners in the U.S. and global corporate community.
In other news, a note found by cleaners after the press conference purportedly written by Laureen Harper and stating ‘For God’s sake, someone please rescue me and the kids from this lunatic’ was revealed to be a hoax, presumably written by an individual suffering from liberal mental disease.
A Conservative spokesperson confirmed that Mrs. Harper was not available for comment,
Stumble It!
As one analyst I heard on CBC TV said this morning, in words to the effect, that by now everyone knows that regardless of the size of any corporate welfare bailouts going to the financial sector, there is simply not enough "demand" out there, (meaning "purchasing power" in the hands of the average working-class "consumer"), to re-energize the capitalist un-free market economy. The system is increasingly moving into free-fall mode, heedless of the corporate controlled state's initiative attempts.
And if one has been following the most recent global moves of resurgent Russia, now even in Latin America, where it has concluded large arms deals with Bolivia, in addition to Venezuala, Argentina and Brazil, as well as a Russian Ambassador to Bolivia expressing a Russian interest in engaging in joint military exercises with these states (See RealNews online today.), it is clear that the capacity of US power to extend itself even into Latin America has been seriously undermined by its economic crises, and its over-extension and bleeding of manpower and treasure in the Middle East and elsewhere. (The cost to The Empire of maintaining its 700 military bases around the world, in this global political and economic environment, is becoming increasingly onerous, and threatening to even the little remaining healthy parts of its body.)
In all, the Globe and Mail, if it has not previously, suddenly now feels compelled to address, and by implication expose, in my view, the very reason for the Conservative's sudden and early election call, despite their own election legislation. With the global collapse of stock markets and the growing challenges to US global political, economic and military hegemony, of which they MUST have been aware as well as many of us for a long time now, outside the true-believer Cons network anyway, it seems to have become clear to Harper and his Conservative Party that they had to move and hopefully sneak into power before the main storm broke in this country. As this Globe and Mail front page article of the week-end makes clear, it is suddenly too late for them. The storm is already breaking, and by the time of voting day itself, will be increasingly felt and apparent, unavoidably, to the masses of Canadians.
Amerikan Empire power is already very much broken, and will itself follow its economic crises into further and precipitous decline. (Which is not to deny that a mortally wounded beast is still not a dangerous one. And, even for Amerika, as much as it was for Nazi Germany in another time, a sudden and dramatic increase in reliance on militarization, and a militarized state and economy, and the pursuit of war, can be at least a temporary life sustaining shot in the arm for the corporatist state.)
Nonetheless, until or unless something changes here very quickly, and it would have to be in a huge way for capitalism, the bootlick policies of the Conservatives that pursued obedience to and integration into this US Empire, along with these same policies that have long likewise been traditional to the historical ruling Liberal Party in this country, are now suddenly coming back to haunt and discredit them and their foresight capacity. They are exposed, but for the barest fig leaf that awaits the next hurricane wind from the south.
The Conservative gamble on getting into power ahead of the breaking storm is about to fail. Certainly they will not get the majority governance position that they had hoped. At best, depending on the degree to which things become clear to Canadians over the next short while, their only remaining hope is to lead yet another "minority government".
Even then, their could be a major surprise, going say even to the NDP. And The Greens are already benefitting as well.
Expect anything in this economic and political environment.
If the US wanted to nationalize an industry, why a collapsing housing market? Why not make it one that is profitable? Like Oil, or Telecom.
I still find Harper's request for extra debate time on the Economy during the debates, then brushing it off as 'Everything is well and good' to be a slap in the face. I wonder why Elizabeth didn't call him on it?