If Hockey Was Like Canadian Politics Today

Detroit Red Wings' owner Mike Illitch has announced that he is asking NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman to suspend all further play in the current NHL hockey season.

"The Detroit Red Wings already have the Stanley Cup," said Illitch, "and we see no reason to continue to play hockey with the other 29 teams in the league just so that they can keep trying to take it away from us."

"We don't care about the impact this may have on the revenues of other teams," said the multi-billionaire, "nor upon the livelihoods of the players, the concerns of the fans, or the future of hockey."

"We have the Cup, we're going to keep it, and that's that," he stated.

The Red Wings have been having trouble this season with the teams in their own division, having suffered 3 of their 4 regulation losses against the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Boston Bruins and the Montreal Canadiens.

"Those teams, especially, seem to be ganging up on us," Illitch said, "and we don't like that either."

"They need to respect us and keep their fighting amongst themselves," he added.

"That's the Red Wing way," he continued, "and we're going to wait it out until they and all the other teams see that salary caps, gate equalization payments, and league parity have absolutely no place in the game."

"In fact, we don't even think there should be any more playoffs, and that the team winning the President's Trophy should be awarded the Stanley Cup automatically."

The Red Wings have won the President's Trophy 6 times since it was first awarded in 1986, but have won the Stanley Cup only twice in the last ten years.

"First-past-the-post," concluded Illitch, "and that should be it."