AG Report Clears Liberals

The source revealed that Fraser, though an 'extremely competent and responsible AG' often proved incapable of 'seeing beyond the facts of a case to the conclusion that should have been reached'. New AG Noeval is not expected to share the previous AG's 'blinded by facts' shortcoming. Coming off of a 45 year career as barber in the small town of Bacwards, Alberta, Noeval has earned a reputation among those who know him as being a man who 'doesn't let fact get in the way when he's spinning a good yarn'. In a startling disclosure, the AG report revealed that Sponsorship Program wrong doings had been entirely orchestrated by Federal Public Servant Justin Deipshite. The AG report described Deipshite, who retired in 2004 after a 50 year career as a CR-02 file clerk in the five person Department of Political Integrity, as a 'troubled individual' with a 'chip on his shoulder'. According to the report, Deipshite developed an intense hatred of former PM Pierre Trudeau, who for some unfathomable reason the unilingual English speaking Deipshite blamed for his lack of career advancement. As the years progressed, Deipshite's hatred expanded to encompass the entire Liberal Party, which he than began taking actions to embarass. The report found that in addition to the Sponsorship Program scandal, Deipshite was also responsible for the HRDC scandal of years past and every other incident of impropriety and ineptitude which plagued the Liberal Party during their years in office. The AG report concluded by indicating the possibility of future year scandals arising which would also be attributable to Deipshite's malfeasance. Deipshite was unavailable for comment due his unfortunate demise in a tragic woodchipper mishap shortly after retiring in 2004. When asked how a low level Federal Public Servant could have on their own created all the scandals that have plagued the Liberal government, Noeval indicated this situation as being an unfortunate byproduct of the 'employee empowerment' strategy utilized in the Federal Public Service. 'Empowerment' enables the PS to provide employees with a feeling of satisfaction and control in performing the work of a higher classification without having to actually pay them the higher salary of that classification. Noeval indicated that the 'empowered' Deipshite took advantage of his situation to undertake activities normally within the realm of Ministers and their Deputies and that this went unoticed for many years due to the 'don't know their ass from a hole in the ground' environment present in many Federal Departments. PM Paul Martin was jubilant when informed of the AG's findings. 'I'm just happy that the air has finally been cleared' the PM told reporters 'and that we (the Liberal party) can get back to our God ordained destiny of ruling this nation until the end of time. Guess there really is a Santa Claus', the PM grinned. Former PM Jean Chretien was equally elated when informed of the report findings, saying 'I tole dat dumbass Gomery I wasn't reprehensible for dat scandal. I'm jus happy dat my repiditation has now bin restorated'. Opposition leaders offered only a 'no comment' response to questions concerning their view of the report. [Proofreader's note: this article was edited for spelling and typos on December 17, 2005]