Satire & Humour News

The F-35 is as useless as tits on a bull and the Russians aren’t comin’ any time soon.
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Satire & Humour Vancouver 2010 - The Next 9/11?
Contributed by Chris Harder on Thursday, February 04 at 09:25 (3,368 reads)

Insightful and well researched prologueto events which many believe will usher in the physicalNAU tyrrany. Countless links and documentation to backup the claims being made. Having studied the information myself over the past few days it would not surprise me if incredible events unfold at and aroundthe Winter Games in Vancouver. I also encourage everyone to boycott the games (not our athletes however)as it is insulting to Canadians on so many levels. Here's the story source link.

Marc Steinbaugh & Ryan Robert Pennington, Dprogram.net, updated Jan 31/2010

http://dprogram.net/2010/01/25/could-vancouver-2010-could-be-the-next-911/

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Satire & Humour Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World
Contributed by RickW on Monday, December 28 at 12:04 (4,136 reads)

Members of the earth's earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.

According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumerians—the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture, and government—were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization.

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Satire & Humour Harper Unveils Conservative Platform
Contributed by Calumny on Sunday, October 05 at 11:14 (8,503 reads)

Prime Minister Stephen Harper unveiled the Conservative Party 2008 platform at a press conference held earlier today.

Reading notes from what appeared to be several cocktail napkins, the PM assured the largely CanWest media audience that the release of the Conservative platform on the day after the English language leader’s debate was ‘purely coincidental’ and had nothing to do with ’the personal attacks launched on me by other leaders in the form of questions I couldn’t answer’ during the previous night’s debate.

Harper indicated ‘ our platform is the culmination of two hours…I mean…two years of solid effort by myself…I mean…the Conservative party team and we‘re proud to offer my…I mean…our ideas to Canadians.

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Satire & Humour If You Think Education Is Difficult, Try Being Stupid
Contributed by Diogenes on Thursday, February 21 at 13:18 (4,538 reads)
From my mailbox Pocket Taser Stun Gun A great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this as a 'short' story for his alumni newsletter. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
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Satire & Humour Federal Minister Apologizes For Joke He's Not Sure He Told
Contributed by N Say on Thursday, February 21 at 12:46 (3,193 reads)
Federal minister apologizes for joke he's not sure he told Last Updated: Thursday, February 21, 2008 | 7:11 AM NT CBC News Federal Fisheries Minister Loyola Hearn has apologized for a joke he's not sure he made, responding to a complaint from a politician who didn't hear it. Joan Burke, Newfoundland and Labrador's education minister, demanded Hearn apologize Wednesday for telling what she called a sexist joke at a weekend Hospitality Newfoundland and Labrador convention. However, Burke did not attend Hearn's speech in Gander, and would not repeat what Hearn supposedly had said.
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Satire & Humour Wal-Mart Saves The World?
Contributed by N Say on Monday, February 18 at 14:17 (3,796 reads)
[This is a lot funnier than it's supposed to be, I think. -- NSay] Wal-Mart saves the world Fazil Mihlar, The Vancouver Sun. Published: Monday, February 18, 2008 Wal-Mart deserves the 2008 Nobel Peace Prize. And the Vatican may want to beatify the world's largest retailer. Consider that Wal-Mart: - Provides employment to 1.9 million people; the best defence against poverty is a job. - Creates thousands of job opportunities for people in developing countries like China and India; this keeps hunger at bay in many households. - Doles out hundreds of millions of dollars each year in dividends that help fund the retirement of millions of people; the company had sales in excess of $348 billion and a net profit of $11.3 billion in 2007.
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Satire & Humour New Iraqi Law Requires Waiting Period For Suicide Vest Purchases
Contributed by Diogenes on Sunday, February 10 at 14:04 (3,209 reads)
New Iraqi Law Requires Waiting Period For Suicide Vest Purchases Dedicated to Dr Caleb http://www.goregasm.com/index.php?view=1&token=431_1202493360 http://www.omegagarden.com/
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Satire & Humour US Election Special In The EXile
Contributed by N Say on Saturday, February 09 at 15:22 (3,264 reads)
US Elections Special Part I: A McCainiac On The Loose By Alexander Zaitchik Two of America's leading presidential candidates came to political life with Soviet Russia as their lodestar of evil. John McCain was the loyal son of a conservative Navy family with a Curtis LeMay streak; Hillary Clinton canvassed in pigtails for Barry Goldwater in 1964. They soon diverged and took different Cold War paths. Hillary mellowed and moved left-ish; McCain signed up to drop bombs on the commie bastards. While Hillary was soaking in New Politics juice at Yale Law, McCain was cheering on Nixon's Christmas bombings as they shook the concrete walls of his Hanoi prison cell, where he spent 6 years in a black box undergoing anger anti-management counseling. McCain today claims to have put his Vietnam War demons to rest. And he's probably telling the truth. He was an early proponent of normalized relations with Vietnam, and says he bears no ill-will toward the Vietnamese people. He's even stopped using the word "gook," at least when journalists are in the room. He still thinks America should have triumphed in that insane conflict, but he understands the war is over, and he has always had a bad relationship with the advocacy nuts waving black POW/MIA flags.
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Satire & Humour Russia's Nanotechnology Breakthrough
Contributed by N Say on Saturday, February 09 at 14:13 (4,352 reads)
Russia's Nanotechnology Breakthrough MOSCOW (Context) President Putin's highly-touted multibillion-dollar nanotechnology program announced its first successful breakthrough yesterday, as Russian scientists developed the world's first nano-democracy. "Our new nano-democracy will represent a leapfrog in authoritarian technology," announced Academic Igor Yinkovich at a press conference. According to Yinkovich, Russian citizens will soon be given "nano-rights," which will allow them to fit all of their human rights on the head of a pin. These pins can also double as instruments of coercion against any citizen who does not properly appreciate his new nano-rights. "Citizens will no longer be burdened by the weight of too many democratic rights. In fact, in the future, they won't even know that their rights exist!"
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Satire & Humour Pope Backs Surge Of Exorcism Squads 'to Fight The Devil Head On'
Contributed by rearguard on Wednesday, February 06 at 17:03 (3,298 reads)
David Edwards and Muriel Kane Published: Tuesday February 5, 2008 The Vatican has never given up belief in the reality of demonic possession, but the practice of actual exorcisms has waned over the last few centuries. Now, however, the Vatican's chief exorcist has revealed that Pope Benedict XVI takes the problem very seriously and is "setting up exorcism squads to deal with the rampant growth of Satanism." Father Gabriele Amorth is both the senior exorcist of the diocese of Rome and the founder of the International Association of Exorcists. He has condemned the Harry Potter novels as containing "the signature of the Prince of Darkness" and recently warned that diabolical influences can reach even into the Vatican.
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Satire & Humour Gotta Love Those Cowboy Philosophers
Contributed by Diogenes on Wednesday, February 06 at 14:38 (3,893 reads)
Five and One are so true LOL Top Ten Country Western Song Titles: 10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine. 9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few. 8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'. 6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
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Satire & Humour Pope Removes 'anti-Semitic' Text From Prayer
Contributed by Diogenes on Wednesday, February 06 at 13:56 (2,826 reads)
Pope removes 'anti-Semitic' text from prayer By Jonathan Petre, Religion Correspondent Last Updated: 1:54am GMT 05/02/2008 The Pope is to rewrite the Good Friday prayer in the traditional Latin Missal to remove derogatory references to Jews after protests that they could damage relations between the faiths. Pope Benedict XVI is to excise references to the "blindness" and "darkness" of the Jews in a prayer that calls for their conversion to Christianity, according to reports in Rome. The Pope has been under pressure to change the wording of the prayer since he permitted the widespread use of the Tridentine Rite in the 1962 Latin Missal last year.
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Satire & Humour THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
Contributed by Diogenes on Sunday, January 27 at 13:59 (3,233 reads)
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs." Now:
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Satire & Humour USMC And The CHP
Contributed by Diogenes on Friday, January 25 at 11:43 (3,060 reads)
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held-radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 400 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet, which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location. Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. Back came a reply in true USMC style:
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